Jokes

MTA · Jokes

Off college today, I have coursework to do and it is raining. So in the words of the Tic Tac advert 'I need a little lift'

So post jokes here, I will kick off with one:

A young son cannot find his parents anywhere in the house.

Suddenly he hears some grunting, he goes upstairs to find his parents and finds them having sex.

He asks 'Mummy, what are you doing to Daddy?'

His Mum replies 'I'm lying on his stomach, I am pushing it down as he is getting fat'

To which the son replies 'I wouldn't bother, the woman next door will come and blow him up again'

James

I'm off school aswell, cos I spewed all over this morn

Anyhoo, I've got hundreds of jokes, but they would all offend people

Steve_S

James

Yeah but these are uber offensive

pauly

MTA

A local council received a complaint that a Chinese Takeaway was dumping rubbish sacks at the side of their shop and that it was creating a God awful smell.

So, a council representative goes into the takeaway and asks "Where's ya bin?"

The man at the desk replies "Hong Kong"

"No" the representative says, "Where's ya bin?"

The man yet again replies "Hong Kong"

"No" the representative says, "Where's ya wheely bin?"

The man then replies "I wheely bin to Hong Kong"

Johnny E

Alright then. Here goes:

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker- function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: "Hello"
WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
MAN: "Yes."
WOMAN: "I'm at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"
MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."
WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2007 models. I saw one I really liked."
MAN: "How much?"
WOMAN: "$65,000."
MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing. The house we wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000."
MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer, but just offer $900,000."
WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you!"
MAN: "Bye, I love you, too."

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are looking at him in astonishment.

Then he smiles and asks: "Anyone know whose phone this is?"

Or......

It was a beautiful, warm spring morning. A man and his wife were spending the day at the zoo. She was wearing a loose-fitting, pink dress - sleeveless with straps. He was wearing his usual jeans and T-shirt.

As they walked through the ape exhibit, they passed in front of a large, silverback gorilla. Noticing the wife, the gorilla went crazy. He jumped on the bars, and holding on with one hand (and 2 feet), he grunted and pounded his chest with his free hand. He was obviously excited at the pretty lady in the pink dress.

The husband, noticing the excitement, thought this was funny. He suggested that his wife tease the poor fellow some more by puckering her lips and wiggling her bottom.

She played along and the gorilla got even more excited making noises that would wake the dead. Then the husband suggested that she let one of her straps fall to show a little more skin. She did, and the gorilla was about to tear the bars down.

"Now show your thighs and sort of fan your dress at him," he said. This drove the gorilla absolutely crazy and he started doing flips.

Then the husband grabbed his wife, ripped open the door to the cage, flung her in with the gorilla and slammed the cage door shut.

"Now, tell him you've got a f…ing headache."

bessytractor

the "whos phone is this" is a video

Cedge

The time finally came to put Dad into a nursing home. It required selling off his house and all his worldly possessions, but Dad was soon safely settling into in his new home. The family expected Dad would have a hard time adjusting, so no one was surprised when the phone rang and Dad began complaining.

He complained about the stupidities of the staff, the poor quality of the food, his annoying new neighbors and every ache and pain the place was inflicting upon him. He finished his tirade with "Son... you have to get me out of here!! This place is a living hell on earth!!

His son was prepared for this moment and said, " Dad, you have to understand. We can't give you the care you need and you have no place left to go. You'll adjust if you give it time."

A few weeks go by and Dad phones the son again , saying, "Son... forget all the stuff I said before. This place is great!! I woke up this morning to find myself rather.... uh...."stimulated". The nurse on my floor came in, saw the problem and immediately took things in hand. I can't believe the superior level of service they provide the patients here!!.

The son listens to all of this and is happy to hear Dad is finally beginning to make the needed adjustments and promises to come see him soon.

Time passes with no calls from Dad, until one evening the phone rings and Dad is once again shouting about "hell on earth" and the "terrible conditions" he's being forced to endure. The son inquires as to what has changed since their last positive conversation.

Dad say, "I fell down in the hallway today!!"

His son asks why a fall that would trigger his current complaints, especially after the special services he'd so recently described.

Dad tells him that when he fell, a male orderly helped him up and then bent him over a nearby hospital gurney and had his way with him. The son admits that the event was quite terrible but reminded him, " Dad, you have to understand. We can't give you the care you need and you have no place left to go. You'll just have to give it time."

Dad replied... "No Son... YOU have to understand!! I might wake up feeling randy once or twice a year........ I fall down 3 or 4 times a week!!!

Rob

i have a variation on your "weeley bin" one simon, but its a bit rude:

a bin man knocks on a door

"harro" says the chineese man

"where ya weeley bin?" says the bin man

"i been on the toilet" the man says

"no, where ya weeley bin?" the bin man asks

"i said, i been on the toilet" says the man

"no no, where ya weeley bin?" the bin man says

"ok, i weeley bin havin a wank" he says